A Radio Interlude With The Hannah Hag
This is Simon Spann, host of Supernatural Scoop on station BEHR, live from Hannah, Alabama. It’s the witching hour, and our special guest today is the Howling Hag of Catman Road, also known as the Hannah Hag. For those of you unfamiliar with the tale, the Hag and her . . . er . . . bloody appetites have been the subject of urban legend in Behr County since the 1800s. Sitting beside her in my studio this morning, I can honestly say the survivor accounts of her monstrous appearance do not exaggerate. In my twenty-plus years as a paranormal investigator, she is the ugliest creature I have ever encountered. Picture, if you will, a hideous old woman with scabrous skin, sharp, black teeth, and vicious claws. Truly frightening.
Thank you for being with us, Ms. Hag. (pauses) Addressing you as “hag” seems rude. Have you another name?
Hag: Of course I have another name, idjut, but I ain’t telling you. (Hag waves) Hel-lo—monster? There’s a price on my head. Hag will do.
Spann: Um . . . yes. Well, moving along. You requested a spot on our show. What brings you here?
Hag: I’m looking for a thief. There’s a reward in it for anyone who helps me catch her.
Spann: For our listeners, the Hag maintains she is the victim of a crime. Any chance you can tell us the name of the thief, Hag?
Hag: (snorts) Big on names, aintcha, sonny? The gal’s name is Sassy Peterson, and she stole my fairy juice. There’s ten thousand smackeroos in it for anyone with information on her.
Spann: Peterson . . . as in the Petersons, the richest family in Behr County?
Hag: That’s the one. A real perky little do-gooder, this chick. Rainbows and lollipops shooting out her—
Spann: (coughs) Yes, well, can you give our listeners a description of her?
Hag: Petite. Blonde hair. Pretty. A real tasty dish, if you take my meaning. Hangs around with a big, muscular guy named Grim. Easy on the eyes, that one, but dangerous as all get-out. Dalvahni, you know.
Spann: I’m not familiar with the Dalvahni. Are they a local family?
Hag: Hell, no, they ain’t local. They ain’t even from Earth. They’re demon hunters, dim bulb. Immortal, hardnosed and stubborn, and damned nasty when riled. If it weren’t for Grim, I’d have Fairy Puss in my clutches by now.
Spann: “Fairy Puss?”
Hag: A nickname for Sassy. She didn’t just steal my fairy juice. She drank it and got herself fairyfied, the impertinent little twit. (loud crash in the studio) Oops, sorry about the table, but thinking about it gets me steamed.
Spann: Did this Dalvahni fellow aid and abet Sassy Peterson in the theft?
Hag: What? No, but she’s got him wrapped him around her little thumb, all the same. The big oaf calls himself her bodyguard. Don’t that beat all? I mean, what business is it of his?
Spann: I take it this Grim fellow’s pugnacious character has complicated your plans to recover your property?
Hag: You can bet your boots it ain’t helped matters. Guards her like she’s a steak sandwich and he’s a starving man. But Grim Dalvahni won’t stop me from getting what’s mine. I had plans for that fairy juice. Big plans. You think I like going around looking like this and gobbling up little kids? (Hag gives a teary sniff) No, sir. I do not.
Spann: And it is your fervent hope that the medicinal properties of the fairy potion will change you for the better?
Hag: (chuckles) Sweetest little granny you ever seen, as long as I drink my fairy juice.
Spann: I see. Can’t you just get more juice?
Hag: Sure, sure, but it takes time to distill fairies, and I need it NOW.
Spann: I’m afraid I don’t understand. If Sassy drank your juice, how do you plan to get it back?
Hag: For reals? What is this, your first fairy tale? Think about it, slowpoke.
Spann: (gasps) That’s horrible. Surely, you don’t intend to—
Hag: I’m hungry. Whadda you got for eats in this joint?
Spann: I . . . I’m afraid we don’t allow food in the studio.
Hag. That so? You look nice and tender to me, a real treat. Come to mama, big boy.
(Piercing screams and static, followed by dead air.)
Lexi George writes snarky, Southern-fried paranormal romance for Kensington. Her debut novel, Demon Hunting in Dixie, was released in 2011, and a novella and two more demon hunter books followed. Demon Hunting in a Dive Bar, the third book in the series, was nominated for a RITA in 2014. The fourth book, Demon Hunting with a Dixie Deb, is due to be released May 24, 2016. Lexi enjoys reading and writing romance, but her first love is fantasy. A Meddle of Wizards is the story of Raine Stewart, a sheltered, sickly young woman who comes into her own when she’s transported to a magical world, discovers her burgeoning powers as an adept, and faces the evil wizard who killed her parents. Lexi’s day job as an appellate attorney requires reading transcripts filled with murder, mayhem, and worse. Perhaps this is why she enjoys stories filled with humor, action, adventure, and magical creatures. She has a violent aversion to sad movies, having been scarred by Old Yeller at the age of nine. She drinks tea, not coffee, and has never seen The Exorcist, because she is a world-class chicken. She is the third of four children, with all the attendant neuroses.
Find Lexi and her books
Demon Hunting with a Dixie Deb
Demon Hunting #4
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Deep South legends. Deep fried curses. Deep dish revenge . . .Excerpt:
This Debutante Is Having A Ball!
Way down south in the land of cotton, one belle's plans are soon forgotten--when Sassy Peterson drives her Maserati off the road to avoid a deer and lands smack-dab in the proverbial creek without a paddle. The Alabama heiress should have known something weird was going on when she saw the deer's ginormous fangs. Hello, Predator Bambi!
But nothing can prepare her for the leather-clad, muscle-bound, golden-eyed sex god who rescues her. Who wears leather in May? That's just the first of many questions Sassy has when her savior reveals he's a demon hunter named Grim. Also: Why would a troop of fairies want to give her magical powers and rainbow hair? Why would a style-challenged beast called the Howling Hag want to hunt her down?
Most importantly, what's a nice debutante like Sassy doing in a place like this anyway? Besides feeling Grim . . .
“Sugar,” Sassy murmured. She laid her head on Grim’s shoulder. “Fairies.”
With a drowsy sigh, she relaxed against him and went to sleep.
Grim stilled. A surge of lust hit him, hard and fierce. Sassy smelled delightful, a dizzying combination of summer roses and female. Curling tendrils of her hair lifted to caress his jaw, like flowers reaching for the sun.
I am her sword and shield. The vow rose unbidden in his mind. Here and now I vow to protect her, from anyone or anything that threatens her.
An admirable sentiment, I am sure, the Provider said, but hardly necessary. She leaves tomorrow, and you return to the hunt. That is good, is it not?
Yes, of course.Then why the hollow ache in his chest?
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